More Supportive Parenting Skills

Children have blackboards...

• “It is like they are standing in front of you holding up their personal blackboard saying write on it what you think of me...write on it what you want me to think of myself. This is so powerful. You, as parents, from the minute they are born, begin to write message about them on their personal blackboard. There are intentional and unintentional messages written there.”

Making connections with your children behind walls

• Listening is love
• Love has a tremendous power to pull down invisible walls
• Look over the wall and hear the cry: listen for what they really need, my friend’s problem could be there own
• Find the loose brick: show interest in their interests
• Dismantle the wall: effective communication- love, trust, and respect
• Love: constant, given first, given freely, regardless of their choices
• Trust: have to trust, compliment
• Respect: “The quality of our communication with our children will improve in direct proportion to the amount of respect we show them when we talk together.”

The art of emotion coaching:

• Helping children understand the different emotions they experience, why they occur, and how to handle them
• Comforting them, listening and understanding their thoughts and feelings, and helping them understand themselves
• Help children feel loved, supported, respected and valued

1. Understand how you deal with feelings
• Their child’s feelings are important.
• Their child’s feelings and wishes are okay, even if their actions aren’t.
• Experiencing negative emotions, such as sadness, anger or fear, is important. 
• Negative feelings are a chance for parents and children to grow closer.
• Understanding what causes their child’s feelings is important.
• Negative feelings are an opportunity for problem-solving
2. Believe that your child’s negative emotions are an opportunity for closeness and teaching
• a child’s negative feelings are more likely to go away when children talk about them, label them, and feel understood and feel closer to parents
• once you feel understood, you are more willing to take guidance
3. Listen with empathy and understanding, then validate your child’s feelings
• Share simple observations
• Avoid questions you already know the answer to
• Share examples from your own life
4. Label your child’s emotions
• help your child transform a scary, uncomfortable feeling into something identifiable and normal
• has a soothing effect on the nervous system
5. Set limits while exploring possible solutions to the problem that caused the negative emotion
• Set limits
• Identify goals
• Think of possible solutions
• Evaluate the proposed solutions based on family values
• Help your child choose a solution

Supportive Parenting Skills

Favorite quotes:

• "We should remember that saying 'I love you' is only a beginning. We need to say it, we need to mean it, and most importantly we need consistently to show it. We need to both express and demonstrate love." - Elder Bednar
• "Feeling the security and constancy of love from a spouse, a parent, or a child is a rich blessing. Such love nurtures and sustains faith in God. Such love is a source of strength and casts out fear. Such love is the desire of every human soul." - Elder Bednar
• "When the Lord created parents, he created something breathtakingly close to what he is. We who have borne children innately know that this is the highest of callings, the holiest of assignments." - Sister Holland
• "Parenting has almost nothing to do with training. It has everything to do with your heart." - Sister Holland
• "But it helps us to always remember that these are God’s children as well as ours. And above all, it should give us a perfect brightness of hope to know that when we need help we can go through the veil to get it." - Sister Holland

Loving our Children:

• Spoiling is giving your child things in place of love
• Best adjusted children have the highest levels of parental love
• Children need to be physically touched through appropriate affection
• Praise your children's accomplishments but let them know your love for them is not based on their success
• Home should be a safe haven for children where they can feel relaxed, safe, and secure in a happy, loving environment.
• Children need rhythm and routines in their lives

Being involved in your Child's life:

• Quality time is giving your child your undivided attention, having your mind in the moment with your child, not focusing on something else.
• Take interest in your child's interests
• Be involved in your child's school and other activities

Philemon & 1st Timothy

1st Timothy 4:12

• Scripture: “Let no man despise thy youth; but be thou an example of the believers, in word, in conversation, in charity, in spirit, in faith, in purity.”
• Principle: If we are to be an example of the believers, then we need to show it in word, conversation, charity, spirit, faith, and purity.

I really love this scripture. It was the mutual or young women’s theme one year when I was a youth and I loved it ever since. I looked up this scripture on lds.org and I didn’t look through all the talks, but it is one that is quoted very often in general conference. Just for curiosity sake I found 5 talks from President Monson that the title includes the phrase “be thou and example” or something very close to that. I also found 11 more talks that he quotes this verse of scripture in. I also found 3 talks that President Hinckley quoted this scripture in, 2 talks with the “Be Thou and Example of the Believers,” and many other conference talks that quoted this scripture. I really liked these quotes from President Monson when speaking about this verse. He says, “We need not wait for a cataclysmic event, a dramatic occurrence in the world in which we live, or a special invitation to be an example—even a model to follow. Our opportunities lie before us here and now. But they are perishable. Likely they will be found in our own homes and in the everyday actions of our lives. Our Lord and Master marked the way: ‘[He] went about doing good.’ (Acts 10:38.) He in very deed was a model to follow—even an example of the believers. Are we?” In another talk he says, “I share a three-part formula to serve as an unfailing guide to meet this challenge issued by the Apostle Paul: 1. Fill your mind with truth; 2. Fill your heart with love; 3. Fill your life with service.” I know that as we follow this counsel from the prophet, we can become better examples of the believers!

Philemon 1:8 

• Scripture: "If he hath wronged thee, or oweth thee ought, put that on mine account" 
• Principle: If we have been wronged, then we can place that burden on the Savior. 

I know that this is easier said than done, but I believe it is in large measure why the atonement is in place. The atonement is such as much for the sinner as it is the one that was sinned against, or hurt. Sometimes through no fault of our own we are hurt, it is only through the atonement of our Savior Jesus Christ that we can let that go and move on. If we don't, we might just end up punishing ourselves. I feel like this might be a portion of what was trying to be taught here, that many times we are not strong enough, or we do not have the capacity to forgive on our own, but if we allow the Savior to help, he can make up the difference, he is the difference.

Explain your rules and decisions

Be clear about what you expect

• Explain specifics
• Set them up to succeed

Reasoning with your child

• Explain the reason behind the rule
• When explaining rules to your children your explanations must be...
• Under 6 years old: reasonable and truthful
• 6-11: reasonable and logical
• 11+: reasonable, logical, and consistent with other things you have said or don't

“Your child should respect you because you are the parent, but obey you because you are correct.”
Hear your child’s point of view: even if you don't agree with it
Admit your mistakes: this will allow your children to feel comfortable to come to you with their mistakes.

Be consistent

Be consistent from day to day
Significance of routines- makes things consistent and lessens need to parent on little things

• Regulate internal clock by making children get up at the same time in the morning
• Routines help the family function effectively

Importance of a united front: Support each other in the decision that is made- “parenting is no competition”
Be consistent without being rigid: Have consistent discipline that fits the situation
Identify your nonnegotiables

• Should be a short list
• Be flexible on non-important matters and don’t bend on significant ones

Establishing rules and setting limits

All children need rules and limits

• “The most important thing that children need from their parents is love, but a close second is structure.”
• Have expectations for proper behavior and limits on freedom
• Helps children manage their own behavior

Be firm but fair: “When you know you are right, be firm.”

Importance of monitoring

• Should always be able to answer these questions...
1. Where is my child?
2. Who is with my child?
3. What is my child doing?
• Know plans before they leave and report on what actually happened
• Don’t spy on them- unless you feel they are in danger

Handling conflicts over rules

• Look at changing the rule if it doesn’t fit
• Collaborate: look at revising the rule to accommodate the situation better 

Relaxing limits as child matures: gradually

Preventive Parenting Skills

Preventing Inappropriate Behavior

1. Anticipate trouble: consider ages and personalities of your children and guess their likely responses to various situations
• Help them adjust, explain what is going on, be alert, plan, caution
2. Give gentle reminders: builds trust and self-confidence in children
• Use gerunds: -ing, work good for preschoolers, instant response in the shortest, simplest, gentlest reminder, means right now to children
• Examples: walking (to get them to stop running), talking (to get them to stop being loud), or playing nicely (to get them to stop fighting)
• Nonverbal: nodding, catching your child’s eye, smiling as you shake your head, touching gently on the shoulder or arm
3. Inject humor: can offset anxiety and increase child’s cooperation
• Have to have a cheerful attitude, avoid sarcasm, laugh at yourself, taking ownership of your imperfect behavior and allows children to do the same
4. Offer choices: gives them opportunity to be in control of a portion of their lives, can lead to greater cooperation when you can’t give them choices. Also teaches them to make decisions.
• Make sure the choices are all acceptable to you, can’t be threats, can’t be arbitrary statements
• Start training your children for decision making by offering daily task choices
• Give 3 options: don’t rush them, praise them for the choice they made, use the words "choose" and "decide" so children know they are involved in the process 
• Give reason for not offering any choices

Romans 4 & 5

Romans 4:13- If we have faith, regardless if we have been given the law, we will be blessed because of our faithfulness.

“Abraham believed God, and it was counted unto him for righteousness… And he received the sign of circumcision, a seal of the righteousness of the faith which he had yet being uncircumcised: that he might be the father of all them that believe, though they be not circumcised; that righteousness might be imputed unto them also: And the father…to them… who also walk in the steps of that faith… For the promise, that he should be the heir of the world, was not… through the law, but through the righteousness of faith. For if they which are of the law be heirs, faith is made void, and the promise made of none effect: Because the law worketh wrath: for where no law is, there is no transgression. Therefore it is of faith, that it might be by grace; to the end the promise might be sure to all the seed.”
I really found this entire chapter very interesting to me. From these excerpts I came to realize that faith is rewarded whether or not we are members of the church. I thought the chapter was interesting as it explained that Abraham received the law because of his faithfulness. It made me ponder if I have because I was given the law, being raised in the gospel, or if I have faith because I truly believe in the Savior? This helped me realize that I will not be saved in the law, but I can be saved through my faith in the Savior. I also think that people who are born on this earth and are never taught the gospel but live faithful to the knowledge they do have will be blessed because of their faithfulness. I am grateful that in the end we will be judged by the perfect judge who will know our circumstances perfectly.

Romans 5:3 – If we glory in tribulation than we can experience the benefits of them, patience, experiences, and hope.

"But, we glory in tribulations also; knowing that tribulation worketh patience; And patience, experience; and experience, hope." 

I love the way that the early apostles viewed there hardships. They had a eternal perspective and understood them for what they really were. I know in my life it can be easy to get caught up in the moment and only think about myself, that is something that I need to work on. I also liked the chain reaction that was explained, tribulations brings patience, patience brings experience, experience brings hope. I thought it was interesting that tribulations overall brings hope. I don't think that the worldly view of tribulation would result in an increase of hope, it will only bring despair and hopelessness. But I know that through our tribulations the Lord wants to enable us with hope, and I know that if we start out with patience that can be the end result, through our reliance on the Savior.

Mindfulness

Favorite quotes from the Prophets about controlling our thoughts:

• “I implore you to think clean thoughts. Every action is preceded by a thought. If we want to control our actions, we must control our thinking.” – President David O. McKay
• "I now turn to mastery of our own private thoughts. In this realm, conscience is the only referee that can blow the whistle when we get out of control. If not bridled, our thoughts can run wild. Our minds are a part of us that really require discipline and control. I believe reading the scriptures is the best washing machine for unclean or uncontrolled thoughts. For those who are eligible and worthy, the sanctity of the holy temple can lift our thoughts above the earthy." – President James E. Faust
• "Don't be gloomy. Do not dwell on unkind things. Stop seeking out the storms and enjoy more fully the sunlight. Even if you are not happy, put a smile on your face. Accentuate the positive and look a little deeper for the good. Go forward in life with a twinkle in your eye and a smile on your face, and with great and strong purpose in your heart." –President Gordon B. Hinckley
• “We sow our thoughts, and we reap our actions; we sow our actions, and we reap our habits; we sow our habits, and we reap our characters; we sow our characters, and we reap our destiny” - Charles A. Hall

This week we learned about mindfulness. “Mindfulness is about being fully aware of whatever is happening in the present moment, without filters or the lens of judgment.” Here are the different techniques we learned about:

• Mindful breathing: This will support you in bringing yourself back to the present moment with greater awareness, compassion, and peace. Simply focus attention solely upon the breath. Don’t try to control it; just breathe normally and naturally, feeling it in the nose, belly, or wherever you feel it most prominently, being mindful of the breath rising as you inhale and falling as you exhale.
• Walking meditation: This involves noticing the movement of each foot as you lift it, move it forward, and place it back down with each step. Slow the process down and use the movement to develop a careful awareness of your body.
• STOP: 
• Stop 
• Take a breath 
• Observe 
• Proceed
• Bringing the 8 attitudes of mindfulness into your life:
• Beginner’s mind: sees things as new and fresh, as if for the first time, with a sense of curiosity.
• Nonjudgment: involves cultivating impartial observation in regard to any experience—not labeling thoughts, feelings, or sensations as good or bad, right or wrong, fair or unfair, but simply taking note of thoughts, feelings, or sensations in each moment.
• Acknowledgment: validates and acknowledges things as they are.
• Nonstriving: not trying to get anywhere other than where you are.
• Equanimity: a deep understanding of the nature of change and allows you to be with change with greater insight and compassion.
• Letting be: imply let things be as they are, with no need to try to let go of whatever is present.
• Self-reliance: helps you see what is true or untrue
• Self-compassion: love yourself as you are, without self-blame or critcism
• Weaving mindfulness throughout your day: By choosing to become mindful throughout the day, you can bring greater focus and appreciation to whatever situation you find yourself in. You’ll also feel more calm and at peace.
• Mindful eating: Simply give the experience of eating your full, undivided attention and intentionally slow the process down. Try to be like a scientific researcher, observing the mind and body with curiosity and objectivity, and without judgment.

Temperament and Attachment

Temperament
Each child comes to earth with an inborn temperament that influences how they respond to everything they encounter. This is a list of the different traits of each child’s temperament.

• Activity level: how active the child is
• Distractibility: the degree to which other things distract from the task at hand
• Sensitivity: the energy of response to stimuli 
• Rhythmicity: how regular their hunger, excretion, sleep, and wakefulness
• Sensory Threshold: intensity of stimulation required to evoke a response
• Approach/Withdrawal: response to a new object, situation, or person
• Adaptability: ease of adaptability to changes in child’s environment
• Persistence: the amount of time devoted to an activity and the effect of distraction on the activity
• Quality of mood: the amount of friendly, pleasant, joyful behavior as contrasted with unpleasant, unfriendly behavior

Types of children grouped by their range on their temperament traits

• Easy- 40% of children fall into this category
• Difficult- 10% of children fall into this category
• Slow to warm up- 15% of children fall into this category
• The other 35% of children's temperament doesn't fit exactly into one of the three categories

Parents need to adjust their parenting to fit their child’s temperament. This means they will have to treat each child differently from the next. To deal with difficult children, it is best to allow them extra time to adjust to change and unfamiliar situations. Also try to create situations that take advantage of your child’s innate strengths and avoid their weaknesses. When children are young they don’t have the ability to use self-control to regulate their temperament.

Attachments

• Secure attachment: Mother is responsive to baby’s needs gives baby faith to rely on her and trust her. Child uses mother as a secure base to explore the world.
• Insecure-avoidant attachment: Child acts independently. The mother didn’t respond to baby’s needs and thus the child learned they could not rely on the mother.
• Insecure-ambivalent attachment: Child is very clingy. The mother inconsistently responded to the baby’s needs. Thus the child is confused to whether or not they can trust the mother.

Quotes from the Prophets:

• To be a good father and mother requires that the parents defer many of their own needs and desires in favor of the needs of their children. As a consequence of this sacrifice, conscientious parents develop a nobility of character and learn to put into practice the selfless truths taught by the Savior Himself. - President Faust
• In the past, having family prayer once a day may have been all right. But in the future it will not be enough if we are going to save our families. – President Kimball
• And so it is with being parents. The little things are the big things sewn into the family tapestry by a thousand threads of love, faith, discipline, sacrifice, patience, and work. – President Faust

Parenting Styles

Favorite Quotes!

• Some children may be more difficult or easy to raise due, in part, to the inherent personality characteristics that stem from spiritual predispositions. As President Brigham Young noted: “Some spirits are more noble than other; some are capable of receiving more than others. There is the same variety in the spirit world that you behold here, yet they are of the same parentage, of one Father, one God.” – Craig H. Hart, Lloyd D. Newell, and Lisa L. Sine
• A successful parent is one who has loved, one who has sacrifices, and one who has cared for, taught, and ministered to the needs of a child. If you have done all of these and your child is still wayward or troublesome or worldly, it could well be that you are, nevertheless, a successful parent. – President Howard W. Hunter
• Child rearing is so individualistic. Every child is different and unique. What works for one may not work with another. – President James E. Faust
• I believe that I am a child of God endowed with a divine birthright. I believe that there is something of divinity within me and within each of you. I believe that we have a godly inheritance and that it is our responsibility, our obligation, and our opportunity to cultivate and nurture the very best of these qualities within us. – President Gordon B. Hinckley
• Of all the joys in life, none other equals that of happy parenthood. Of all the responsibilities with which we struggle, none other is so serious. To rear children in an atmosphere of love, security, and faith is the most rewarding of all challenges. The good result from such effort becomes life’s most satisfying compensation. – President Gordon B. Hinckley

Allowing your child Autonomy…

• Pick your battles – if the decision doesn’t really matter, let your child choose
• Pre-approve your child’s choices – limit their alternatives to ones you approve of
• Praise your child’s decisions – this builds their self-assurance
• Help your child think through decisions – help them see why one choice might better than another
• Let your child learn from their mistakes – they’ll learn to live with the consequences of their decisions

Mothers

Ten Ways to Spend time with your Children – President Benson

1. Be at the Crossroads
2. Be a Real Friend
3. Read to Your Children
4. Pray with Your Children
5. Have Weekly Home Evenings
6. Be Together at Mealtimes
7. Read Scriptures Daily
8. Do Things as a Family
9. Teach Your Children
10. Truly Love Your Children

Motherhood:

• “Motherhood is near to divinity. It is the highest, holiest service to be assumed by mankind” the First Presidency
• “First of all, as I mentioned before, she is a co-partner with God in bringing his spirit children into the world. What a glorious concept! No greater honor could be given.” President N. Eldon Tanner
• “A mother has far greater influence on her children than anyone else, and she must realize that every word she speaks, every act, every response, her attitude, even her appearance and manner of dress affect the lives of her children and the whole family. It is while the child is in the home that he gains from his mother the attitudes, hopes, and beliefs that will determine the kind of life he will live, and the contribution he will make to society.” President N. Eldon Tanner

Our Family Mission Statement

Nielson

Our Eternal Family

- We are striving to develop a Celestial Marriage and become an Eternal Family -

Things we do:

-          Pray daily

-          Read Scriptures daily

-          Family Home Evening weekly

-          Attend the Temple weekly

-          Family Councils weekly

-          Have meals together daily

Things we say:

-          I love you

-          I’m sorry

-          I forgive you

-          Thank you

-          Please

Traits to develop:

-          Charity

-          Patience

-          Gratitude

-          Work Hard

-          Optimistic

Blake, Brooke, & Alice

1 Corinthians 12 & 16 Principles

1 Corinthians 12:4-11 – If the Spirit gives different gifts to members of the church, then it is to benefit all members.

In these verses, Paul is talking about the different gifts the Spirit gives to different people. In the chapter, Paul makes an analogy about members of the church being different parts of a body. Each body part is different, but all are needed for the body to function. Each member of the church is blessed with different talents, gifts, abilities, and strengths. Because we all are different, we can contribute to the church in a unique way. This allows for the church to function and grow. If we were all the same, there would be callings that wouldn’t be adequately fulfilled. I am grateful for the unique gifts the Lord has blessed me with so that I can bless those around me.

1 Corinthians 16:14 - If we are going to do things the Lord's way, than we need to do all things with Charity. 

The Lord is a perfect example of how we should do things, and if we truly want to be like Him and do things the way that He would have us to do them then we need to treat others with Love and Charity, to see people how He sees them. I think that seeing others as the Savior does, and treating them as He does causes us to elevate others to a whole new level. I heard a quote once that said, the Lord seeks to elevate those around him to his level, do we do the same? I think sometimes pride gets in the way of us treating others the way that we should. We can develop a mindset of, if that person succeeds, than I fail. However, that is not true, and that is not the way the Savior treated others. He treated all with charity.

Parenting Principles

Here are the patterns and principles on parenting and on the family I learned:

• Family comes first
• The temple is the ultimate goal
• Receive personal revelation
• Have a spiritual foundation and a unity of goals in a marriage
• Unselfish companionship means to put others needs before your own
• Cling to your spouse
• Don’t live in fear, have faith 
• Have family scripture study, prayer, and family home evening
• Fathers preside, provide, protect and mothers nurture, but they are equal partners and help each other
• Extended families and ward families help when needed
• Give children individual time based on needs
• Be in the home as much as possible
• Have family meals together where conversation occurs

Favorite quotes of the week:

• Sister Beck: “I think that this is a matter of faith. We don’t have children because we have money, because we have means. We have children with faith.”
• Sister Tanner: “I believe that being a mother and father is an eternal role, an eternal calling, if you will, and that with that calling, as with any calling, we are blessed with a mantel. We need that mantel, and we need that spirit with us as we rear our children. In fact, I think like Elisha, we need a double portion of that spirit as we rear our children. I believe that we’re blessed with that. These are Heavenly Father’s children, not just ours. They are His spirit children, and He will bless us with a double portion of that spirit”
• Sister Tanner: “Home is not just a place; it’s a feeling, and it’s a spirit.”
• Elder Holland: “If we can cling to the doctrine, we’ll get through, we’ll have answers to our prayers, and we’ll stay founded on true principles.”

Principles from Acts Chapter 9

Accepting the Call: Acts 9:18-20 If the Lord calls us to the work, then we must immediately accept the call and go to work.
This is the story of Saul, the man who was going to bind all those who believed on Christ. He had a vision, where the Lord appears to him and Saul loses his sight. He fasts for three days until Ananias comes and restores his sight. He is then baptized and then verse twenty says, “And straightway he preached Christ in the synagogues, that he is the Son of God.” This was a man who was actively trying to destroy the church, but then gains a testimony and immediately testifies to others of the truth. I think that we sometimes have a hard time fulfilling our callings in the church because we feel that we are not good enough, we don’t know enough, or that we don’t speak well enough. I’m sure that Saul felt inadequate and thought that no one would listen to him because he had opposed the church so actively. But Saul immediately goes to work. This shows that we need to have faith to act. If we try our best to fulfill the roles the Lord has given us, He will bless us to accomplish the things we need to.

Seeing others as the Lord sees them: Acts 9: 13-15 If we choose to judge others based on the worlds view of them, then we will never see them as the Lord sees them.
I think a lot of times it is easy to see others (or ourselves) and judge based on mistakes of the past and shortcomings. I think when the Lord sees people he sees them for what they can be, not what they have done. Everyone around us has divine potential. Just as Saul probably didn't seem like a likely candidate to "bear the name of the Lord before the Gentiles, and kings, and children of Israel", but the Lord saw him as a chosen vessel, he saw him for his potential. I love a quote by President Monson that says, "If we treat people merely as they are, they will remain as they are." I know that I can do a better job of see and treating others as the Lord would.

Parenthood

My favorite quotes from this week:

• Brother Satterfield, “The ultimate test of godhood is parenthood!”
• President Benson: “This life is intended to provide an opportunity to help our Father in Heaven with His great plan, and we do that through honorable parenthood”

Don’t delay having children:

• President Kimball: “Young married couples who postpone parenthood until their degrees are attained might be shocked if their expressed preference were labeled idolatry."
• President Benson: “When God said it was our responsibility to multiply and replenish the earth, that marriage was primarily for that purpose, He didn’t insert any provisions."
• Elder Oaks: “Our covenants with God and the ultimate purpose of life are tied up in those little ones who reach for our time, our love, and our sacrifices.”

I recently became a mother a couple of months ago when our beautiful daughter was born. Being a mother is hard. I only have one child, but I know as more come there will be more stress, worries, trials, long nights, and hard days. I also know that those who follow the commandment to have children are blessed beyond measure. The Lord gives you the extra strength to accomplish the things that you need to. And those same children that make you worry bring the most joy ever conceivable and make your heart overflow with love.

Link to Brother Satterfield’s talk- The Family Under Siege: The Role of Man and Woman 

http://emp.byui.edu/satterfieldb/PDF/Role%20of%20Man%20and%20Woman.pdf