Blended Families

Most children in the United States, 60%, will spend some of their life living with someone other than both of their biological parents. There are many families whose parents are separated because of divorce, death, or some other reason. Many people choose to remarry after these tragedies. This is a unique situation when two families come together to make a new family. There are some things the new parents can do to help establish this new family.

1. Be patient. Studies show that it takes at least two years to establish normalcy in a blended family. A blended family is different than a traditional family and it takes time for the members of the blended family to feel comfortable and normal in their new family.
2. The birth parent should be in charge of handling the heavy discipline of their birth children. When two families come together, they come with different rules and expectations. Their new parent needs to establish a warm healthy relationship with their new children before they can effectively discipline them.
3. The step-parent needs to build a good relationship with their new children. They need to be supportive, loving, and encouraging to them. They also should stand by their new spouse in their parenting of their birth children.
4. The couple needs to take time to counsel with one another. They need to make sure they are communicating with one another so they can rely on one another for support. The transitioning into a blended family is difficult and the best way to help children adjust is for the parents to build a strong relationship with one another.

The Refiner's Fire

This video is so inspiring! I know that our trials can make us stronger as we draw closer to the Lord and learn to rely on Him.

Having Children in Faith

I love this video! I look forward to having children with my husband someday!

Disciplining Children

My information comes from Michael Popkin's "Active Parenting"

Popkin uses 5 different steps for parents to use when they have a problem with their child's behavior.

1. Polite Request: ask your child, politely, to do something or stop doing something
2. "I" Message: this is when you explain how the problem is making you feel.
1. Start with "I have a problem with _____" - this helps the child know you are upset with the problem and not with them personally.
2. "I feel _____" - this shows the child how their actions are effecting others.
3. "Because _____" - this explains why you have a problem with their actions
4. "I would like you to _____" - this reaffirms what you would like the child to do to fix the problem.
3. Firm Reminder: if the problem persists, you may make a firm reminder of what you have already asked your child to do. Keep it short, simple, and respectful.
4. Logical Consequences: if nothing has worked, give the child a consequence for not doing what you have asked. This allows the child to choose to change their behavior and avoid the consequence or accept the consequence. 
1. either/or: puts a limit on the child's behavior, makes them stop doing something
2. when/then: two activities that would happen normally, but one must be done before the other
5. Use the FLAC method:
1. Feelings: Share your feelings about the problem and recognize your child's feelings as well. This develops a sense of empathy.
2. Limits: Lets your child know there are still limits on their behavior.
3. Alternatives: Find a solution that both of you can live with. If nothing is agreed upon, parent is in charge of making sure the consequence is fair and appropriate.
4. Consequences: Logical consequences that will follow if the problem isn't fixed. Follow up and make sure the problem is being solved.

Work

Adam and Eve
Work has always been a part of this earthly experience. Adam and Eve were commanded to "be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it: and have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over every living thing that moveth upon the earth" (Genesis 1:28). This commandment was given while they were in the garden, so they were to "subdue" the earth from the very beginning. When they were cast out of the garden they were to work also. "In the sweat of thy face shalt thou eat bread" (Genesis 3:19). Since man was placed on the earth, we have been commanded to work.
Blessings of Family Work
Family work is something that most people wish they could just get rid of. This opportunity to work together on a common goal while doing tasks that don't require much thinking, allows from some great things to happen. While a family works, bonds can be strengthened and meaningful conversations can emerge. Working as a family lets us see our interdependence on each other and encourages us to sacrifice for one another. Insisting that children to help with family work helps them develop responsibility and a sense of self-worth. If they know that the work can't be completed without them, they will more willingly participate. And children learn to think of others as they do work for others rather than just making their own bed.

I know that family work is a blessing. That families and individuals are strengthened as they work together to make a happy home.

Counseling with you Spouse and Families

In class this week we were able to study the way the Prophet, his counselors, and the 12 apostles meet in counsel each week. This is the process they use.

• First, they gather together before the meeting starts and express their love for each other
• Next, they open the meeting in prayer to invite the Spirit to be with them
• Then, they discuss important matters and try to discern what the Lord would have them do. During this discussion, each member is given the opportunity to share what they think the Lord would want. They continue to discuss until they reach a consensus, or every agrees that this is what the Lord wants. If consensus is not reached, they address the topic another time.
• After that, they close with prayer. 
• Before they leave they have refreshments together and again bond together.

There are some other important aspects to this meeting.

• They meet in the Temple: a very sacred place
• They always meet at the same time: they have regular meetings that allow everyone to plan their schedules to be there
• They have an agenda: everyone will be able to prepare for what is going to be discussed

This form of counseling that the Prophets follow is an example of what should take place in our homes. We should have regular meetings where members will feel loved in expressing what they think the Lord would have the family or couple do. In our families we should seek to find what the Lord would have us do, for his plan is always better than anything we can come up with. Inviting the Spirit through prayer will help us discern what the Lord would have us do. Meeting in our homes (a sacred place), at the same time, with an agenda, will allow everyone to be present having prepared before hand. I know that if we follow the example of the prophets, our families will be blessed with direction from our Heavenly Father.

Family Crisis

Reuben Hill created a model to understand why families react differently to the same stress or crisis. His developed the ABCX model.

• A is the Actual event: what happened
• B is the Behavioral responses: resources the family has and uses to cope with the stress
• C is Cognitions: the way the family defines the stressful situation. 
• X is the total eXperience: everything that happened as a result and the outcomes of the event

The families that were able to overcome the crisis and return to the same level of happiness they were at before the event or to a higher level, were those families who used their resources and defined the event as a hardship but not something they couldn't overcome. 

For example two families, the Smith's and the Jones's, face the event of their fathers being laid off of work. The Actual event is the same for both families. Say the Smith's define this event as the end of the world and that their way of life is ending. None of the other family members seek to find work to help provide income. And they don't have very much money saved up for emergencies like these. Obviously the Smith's will struggle and do very poorly if their father doesn't find work quickly.
The Jones's, on the other hand, define the event as a hardship but they know it will pass. Every able family member decides to look for work to help the family through this hard time. They also have some money saved up to spend if necessary. The Jones's will do okay even if their father doesn't find work very quickly. Even though both the families had their fathers out of a job, the Jones's will do better in the long run because of the way they defined the event and because they used all their resources available to them.

The Divine Role of Mothers

I love all of these quotes about Mothers and their divine role in our Heavenly Father's plan.

Elder Cook: 

"No woman should ever feel the need to apologize or feel that her contribution is less significant because she is devoting her primary efforts to raising and nurturing children. Nothing could be more significant in our Father in Heaven’s plan."

President Hinckley: 

"Encouraged them to leave their employment and give their individual time to their children."

"The greatest job that any mother will ever do will be in nurturing, teaching, lifting, encouraging, and rearing her children in righteousness and truth. None other can adequately take her place."

"As the years pass, you will become increasingly grateful for that which you did in molding the lives of your children in the direction of righteousness and goodness, integrity and faith. That is most likely to happen if you can spend adequate time with them."

President Benson: 

"Mothers…are, or should be, the very heart and soul of the family. No more sacred word exists in secular or holy writ than that of mother. There is no more noble work than that of a good and God-fearing mother."

"But a mother's role is also God-ordained. Mothers are to conceive, to nourish, to love, and to train."

"The Lord clearly defined the roles of mothers and fathers in providing for and rearing a righteous posterity. In the beginning, Adam--not Eve--was instructed to earn the bread by the sweat of his brow. Contrary to conventional wisdom, a mother's calling is in the home, not in the market place."

"Mothers in Zion, your God-given roles are so vital to your own exaltation and to the salvation and exaltation of your family. A child needs a mother more than all the things money can buy. Spending time with your children is the greatest gift of all."

President Kimball: 

"Become a career woman in the greatest career on earth--that of homemaker, wife, and mother. It was never intended by the Lord that married women should compete with men in employment. They have a far greater and more important service to render."

"Her place is in the home, to build the home into a haven of delight."

"No career approaches in importance that of wife, homemaker, mother--cooking meals, washing dishes, making beds for one's precious husband and children. Come home, wives, to your husbands. Make home a heaven for them. Come home, wives, to your children, born and unborn. Wrap the motherly cloak about you and, unembarrassed, help in a major role to create the bodies for the immortal souls who anxiously await. When you have fully complemented your husband in home life and borne the children, growing up full of faith, integrity, responsibility, and goodness, then you have achieved your accomplishment supreme, without peer, and you will be the envy [of all] through time and eternity."

President McKay: 

"Motherhood is the greatest potential influence either for good or ill in human life."

"This ability and willingness to properly rear children, the gift to love, and eagerness, yes, longing to express it in soul development, make motherhood the noblest office of calling in the world."

"She who rears successfully a family of healthy, beautiful sons and daughters, whose influence will be felt through generations to come… deserves the highest honor that man can give, and the choicest blessing of God."

True Love

“True love is not so much a matter of romance as it is a matter of anxious concern for the well-being of one's companion.” -President Gordon B. Hinckley

I know that when we put aside our wants and needs and instead focus on our spouse's happiness, our marriages will become celestial!

Marital Intimacy

One of my Favorite talks given about intimacy is by Elder Holland and it is entitled "Of Souls, Symbols, and Sacraments." Here are some of the quotes that explain the meaning of marital intimacy.
Intimacy is a symbol of total unity. "Such an act of love between a man and a woman is-or certainly was ordained to be-a symbol of total union: union of their hearts, their hopes, their lives, their love, their family, their future, their everything. It is a symbol that we try to suggest in the temple with a word like seal." 
"But such a total, virtually unbreakable union, such an unyielding commitment between a man and a woman, can only come with the proximity and permanence afforded in a marriage covenant, with the union of all that they possess--their very hearts and minds, all their days and all their dreams." 
"And the external symbol of that union, the physical manifestation of what is a far deeper spiritual and metaphysical bonding, is the physical blending that is part of--indeed, a most beautiful and gratifying expression of--that larger, more complete union of eternal purpose and promise." 
"In this ultimate physical expression of one man and one woman they are as nearly and as literally 'one' as two separate physical bodies can ever be. It is in that act of ultimate physical intimacy we most nearly fulfill the commandment of the Lord given to Adam and Eve, living symbols for all married couples, when he invited them to cleave unto one another only, and thus become 'one flesh' (Genesis 2:24)." 
This is another quote that I love by Elder Packer from his talk, "The Fountain of Life."
"Participation in the mating process offers an experience like nothing else in life. When entered into worthily, it combines the most exquisite and exalted physical, emotional, and spiritual feelings associated with the word love. Those feelings and the lifelong need for one another bind a husband and wife together in a marriage wherein all of the attributes of adult masculinity are complemented by the priceless feminine virtues of womanhood."

Engagement!

The way a couple becomes engaged is very important, It will be a memory that the couple can look back on and gain strength in their current relationship. Here's somethings in an engagement that will help a marriage throughout its course...

• There should be a ring
• There has to be a day picked out for the wedding
• The proposal should be private, as to not put pressure on either person in the relationship
• The proposal should be special to the couple

If these things are done when the  couple becomes engaged, it will help the couple see the start of their committed relationship in a positive light.

I appreciate the time and preparation my husband took when he proposed to me. He had bought the most beautiful ring for me and took me to a beautiful place where he got down on one knee and asked if I would make him the luckiest man in the world. I said YES of course!

Before we went into his parents' house to tell them our exciting news, we picked May 10th 2014 to be the most important day of our lives.

During the engagement it can be easy for the focus to fall on planning the reception, luncheon, and honeymoon but there are more important things that should not be overlooked and that the real focus should be placed on as you prepare for an eternal marriage together. These include,

1. Preparing to enter the temple and make sacred covenants. The sacredness and importance of the covenants you will be making need to be at the highest priority as you prepare for your marriage.
2. Building a stronger relationship between the couple. They are going to become husband and wife and their focus should be on coming together as a new family.
3. Building relationships with in-laws. You're becoming a part of their family and this is a time to build good relationships with them.

Adoption at its finest

This family is amazing!

Fathers: Earthly Father, Heavenly Father

I am so grateful for Fathers and their influence in the world. I'm grateful for the way the emulate our Heavenly Father.

The Power of Mothers: You Never Know

We watched this video in one of my classes and I think it pays tribute to mothers everywhere. Thanks for all the work you do for the WORLD!

Dating!

Dr. John Van Epp has established the “Know-Quo.” Based on his research, this means to get to know someone, there are three things you must do. You must establish togetherness, time, and talk. Togetherness means participating in a variety of activities with one another to see how you and the one you are dating act in different situations. Time means spending time with someone for at least three months. Talk means to mutually disclose information about one’s self; sharing your hopes and dreams, your fears and worries. The science echoes the words of Elder Oaks, “There should be dating, followed by careful and thoughtful and thorough courtship. There should be ample opportunities to experience the prospective spouse’s behavior in a variety of circumstances. Fiancés should learn everything they can about the families with whom they will soon be joined in marriage. In all of this, we should realize that a good marriage does not require a perfect man or a perfect woman. It only requires a man and a woman committed to strive together toward perfection.”

Elder Oaks also has defined what a date is. He said, “[a date] is planned, paid for, and paired off.” These three “p’s” of dating correlate with the Proclamation’s three “p’s,” which are preside, provide, and protect. When a man demonstrates he can preside, by planning a date, provide, by paying for the date, and protect, by being paired off for the length of date, it shows that he is well on his way to preparing to be a father and a husband. And as a woman helps the man in dating, she is preparing to be a nurturer as she nurtures their relationship.

I am grateful for my husband and I's dating experience. I am grateful that we have the opportunity to be sealed for time and all eternity. I am grateful that we have eternity to get to know each other and become more perfect each day.

Gender and Same-sex Attraction

In the The Family: A Proclamation to the World we learn, "Gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose." In class we learned about the differences of men and women. Men are task oriented and spacial oriented. Women are able to focus on lots of things at once and relationship centered.  Even when boys and girls are just a few days old, girls tend to move their mouths more. Girls also have five times as much connective tissue connecting the emotion and communication centers in their brains then boys do. I think these are important differences that are divinely given. Elder Bednar, an apostle of the Lord, has said, "For divine purposes, male and female spirits are different, distinctive, and complementary. The unique combination of spiritual, physical, mental, and emotional capacities of both males and females were needed to implement the plan of happiness. Alone, neither the man nor the woman could fulfill the purposes of his or her creation. The man perfects the woman and the woman perfects the man." The Proclamation states that men are to preside, provide, and protect their families and women are to nurture their families. I think men and women are different to help provide these different needs for families.

In class we also discussed same-sex attraction. From the research we studied, there isn't any good and valid studies that support the biological argument that gays are born that way. A. Dean Byrd, a professor and researcher with a Ph.D., M.B.A., and M.P.H., says, "The most likely explanation of homosexuality is that it results from a complex combination of biological factors (such as temperament), environmental traumas (such as trauma associated with sexual or peer abuse), and difficult parental relationships, all of which vary with the individual. And in considering these explanations, one must not exclude the role of agency or choice in response to such attractions." Elder Oaks has said, "homosexual feelings are controllable. Feelings can be controlled and behavior can be controlled. The line of sin is between the feelings and the behavior. It's no sin to have inclinations that if yielded to would produce behavior that would be a transgression. The sin is in yielding to the temptation."Elder Wickman said, "we can control how we behave, and it is behavior which is important." "same-gender attraction did not exist in the pre-earth life and neither will it exist in the next life. it is a circumstance that for whatever reason or reasons seems to apply right now in mortality, in this nano-second of our eternal existence."
This is a link to the Church's website that has lots of good information and videos about how the church feels about same-sex attraction!
Mormons and Gays


I am so grateful that I have been sealed to my amazing husband. I am so grateful that we are different and that we each have our different abilities and talents. And I'm grateful that we bring the best out of each other. I love him with all my heart!

Social Class, Culture, and the Lord's Way

Every family is in a social class and each family has a unique culture. But regardless of what your situation and circumstances are, you can make your family function happily. God loves each one of his children which is everyone on earth.  He doesn’t care if you are rich or poor, educated or not, how fancy you dress or who you know. He wants each of us to be happy, keep his commandments and return to live with Him again. The Family a Proclamation to the World states, “Happiness in family life is most likely to be achieved when founded upon the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ. Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities.” I know that families who base their families on these teachings will be blessed and happy.

This week we learned about theories that are related to the family structure and happenings. These theories aren't truths, but you can see their place in different family situations. Here's a quick run down on the theories.

• Systems Theory: The sum is greater than the whole. The family as a whole is more important than individuals in the family
• Exchange Theory: Getting your costs lower than your rewards. You're always making sure you're getting what you need out of a interaction, without giving too much
• Symbolic Interaction Theory: What happens in an interaction is a result of what the individuals brought and the interaction itself. So even if your mind is set on a path, your interactions might change your thoughts about something.
• Conflict Theory: There is always inequality in a relationship, and whoever has more resources is most likely to get what they want.

Here's some examples in my life of some of these theories. 

• Symbolic Interaction Theory: When I graduated from high school my plan was to go to BYU and then in a few years be married at age 21. A month after graduation I met my future husband and we were married less than a year later. And I couldn't be HAPPIER with the way it all turned out!
  
• Systems Theory: I grew up as the second of 9 children. There was lots of times when you had to put the needs of the family above your own. There was certain things that all family members were required to attend. These consisted of family prayers, family scripture study, family dinners and breakfasts, family councils, family reunions, siblings sport games and dance recitals, and family home evenings. There was many times when it would have been more convenient to do what I needed to do instead of participating in the family activities, but I am grateful for the times I did put my family before myself.
  

Importance of Family

This week in my classes I feel like the overall theme was the world is deteriorating the family. We studied many trends that are sweeping nations all over the world that are leading people away from families. These trends include increased amounts of people participating in premarital sex, more women are having out-of-wedlock childbirths, more people are living alone, more people are choosing to cohabitate, more people are delaying marriage, decreased fertility (women are having less children), the average household size is decreasing, more mothers are working while they have children living at home (especially for women with children under the age of six), and divorce is still present in our societies. I know that families are central to God’s plan. Families are essential in our journey to our return to our Heavenly Father.  Sister Julie B Beck has said, “the plan of happiness and the plan of salvation was a plan created for families… without the family, there is no plan; there is no reason for it.” President Henry B Eyring has also said, “the family unit is not only fundamental to society and to the Church, but to our hope for eternal life.” Elder Robert D Hales said, “because of the importance of the family to the eternal plan of happiness, Satan, makes a major effort to destroy the sanctity of the family, demean the importance of the role of men and women, encourage moral uncleanliness and violations of the sacred law of chastity, and to discourage parents from placing the bearing and rearing of children as on the their highest priorities.” As you look at the worldly trends you can see that Satan is working hard to demean the family.

Here are some of the effects of the crumbling of families around the world. Paul R Amato, a Professor of Family Sociology and Demography at PennState with a Ph.D. in Behavioral Science, did some meta-analyses of the effects living in different types of families had on children’s cognitive, emotional, and social well-being. He found that the best family environment for children to be raised in was in a home that had both of the child’s biological parents who were happily married to one another. Children in divorced families, those who were born outside the bonds of marriage, children living in discordant two parent families, step families, or single-parent families all had some risk of cognitive, emotional, and/or social risks or problems when compared to children who grew up with both their parents in their families. There was actually less risk for children who had had a parent die than those in non-traditional families. Many gay and lesbian couples are pushing for legalized marriages and unions and want the right to adopt children. The world says these people are in love and that there is no effect on the children who are raised in these families. In class we looked at a study that had evidence that these children suffered risks similar to other children who live in non-traditional families. I know that “children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity” (The Family a Proclamation to the World). Elder David A Bednar said, “By divine design, both a man and a woman are needed to bring children into mortality and to provide the best setting the rearing and nurturing of children.” This next quote is from The Divine Institution of Marriage, which is a statement from the church newsroom. “Marriage is far more than a contract between individuals to ratify their affections and provide for mutual obligations. Rather, marriage is a vital institution for rearing children and teaching them to become responsible adults… in almost every culture marriage has been protected and endorsed by governments primarily to preserve and foster the institution most central to rearing children and teaching them the moral values that undergird civilization…The complementarity of male and female parenting styles is striking and of enormous importance to a child's overall development.” Throughout the world there are decreases in fertility: In The Family a Proclamation to the World it states, “God’s commandment for His children to multiply and replenish the earth remains in force.” We still need to have children. These next two quotes show the importance we have in raising our families in the gospel. President Spencer W Kimball, talking about before we came to earth, said, “you understood that you were to act in partnership with God in providing bodies for other spirits equally anxious to come to the earth for righteous purposes. And so you will not postpone parenthood.” President Brigham Young said, “There are multitudes of pure and holy spirits waiting to take tabernacles, now what is our duty?—To prepare tabernacles for them; to take a course that will not tend to drive those spirits into the families of the wicked, where they will be trained in wickedness, debauchery, and every species of crime. It is the duty of every righteous man and woman to prepare tabernacles for all the spirits they can.”

            I know that the Family is of God. Before we came to this earth we lived as a family with a Heavenly Father and a Heavenly Mother. I know we rejoiced when we heard that we would have the opportunity, on earth, to become parents. I know there are spirits waiting to become part of my earthly family. I know that through faith the Lord will help me and my husband raise a righteous family.

This link is to a video about the joy they have received from having children.

Having Children Enriches Your Life

I know the family is of God and that it is part of his eternal plan.